I stand before you today – unworthy to be speaking. I confess that I am not fully abandoned to God. I want to be, but I’m not. I am a broken, very flawed, wounded, wandering child of God. Is that possible? A Christ follower not following? Somewhere we have this idea that all Christians should “look” a certain way. And yes we should – we should look just like Jesus. But what if we don’t. What if we might on the outside, but don’t look too deep.
I have had times that I reflected the image of God – I know what it is like to be satisfied in his presence. I hope to return there, but for now I’m journeying in that direction. What I can share with you today is my journey. We all have one. I am not fully abandoned; I am not fully healed, fully restored, completely put back together, or fixed. But I am me – Today you won’t get the perfect example to follow or a “do this” and get close to God plan. But you will get a true, authentic look into one life who is trying to make sense of it all and many times failing miserably.
Have you ever walked away from God? Not abandoned yourself, but abandoned God? I mean, made a deliberate choice that right now God – I’m good, I can handle this, thanks, but no thanks? Your way has brought me here – in this place, now I’m going to handle it for a while. Can we do that – and still call ourselves Christian? Today we are learning to abandon all for God – but have you ever just abandoned him? I have and it all started about 2 years ago – maybe even years before that.
I have been a Christian for 24 years. I was raised in Church and in a Christian home. In high school and college I sought God with a strong desire. I met my husband in the 9th grade, married at 21, became a teacher, and then a mom. Life continued and became increasingly more complicated. I went to Bible studies, church, was serving at church. I was a growing and maturing Christian. I had times of spiritual highs and times of deep intimacy with God. I still had my issues, pride, self-righteousness, insecurity, but I had a heart for God.
I could share with you miracles observed, daily provision by God, being content in Christ, hearing him speak, and a peace that passes all understanding. But I could also share with you how a season of childhood sexual abuse jades your perspective of your worth, your value, your self image, your view of men and marriage. I could share how trying to live your life being perfect, pleasing people at all cost in an effort to feel valuable and worthy – always leads to failure. I could share painful miscarriages, and broken friendships. But couldn’t we all share hard stuff? Life is tough. Some days life isn’t fair. We all have good and bad things in our lives that we could share. Isn’t life like that – pain mixed with joy. I would love to stand before you as a great example of always turning to God in my pain, but I have often turned away. I confess that I am a weary wanderer, who daily struggles to find her way back. I am judgmental. I struggle with pride. I need the constant approval of others. I often see the bad in people and circumstances. Sometimes, I even struggle with lust. Gasp – a woman who lusts?
Today I want to share with you that in the midst of my pain, struggles, and sin. God is continuing to speak to me, to gently woo me to himself. He continues to lovingly draw me closer to himself. After you walk away from God, can you ever find your way back? I’m here to tell you yes, 100times yes. I am daily journeying my way back to full abandonment.
Today I want to share with you about my niece, Kyla, and my journey through her disease and death. I want to share my journey through doubting and questioning God, all the bad in the world, and dealing with inexpressible grief.
I’ve always wanted to be a mom, ever since I was little. I never wanted a career, job, or big adventure – I just wanted a family. After college, I taught 2nd grade and was a media specialist. I wanted kids so I could quit work and stay home. During my 4th year of teaching I became pregnant and shortly after had a miscarriage. 5 months later, I quit my job to care for my niece, Haley. 10 months later, Korinne was born. 7 months later my niece, Kyla was born. 2 years later Luke was born. My prayers had been answered. I continued to care for my sister’s girls during the day Monday – Friday. I had 4 kids under the age of 5 in my house. Talk about crazy.
Kyla was born with Cystic Fibrosis, a disease of the lungs and digestive system. This is a genetic disease that shortens the life expectancy of its victims to around 36 years old. She had an intestinal blockage at birth and had surgery. She spent 3 weeks in the hospital after birth. When she was 3 months old, I began keeping her during the week, along with her sister Hayley, and my Korinne who was 10 months old. At 9 months old she had another intestinal blockage which led to 7+ surgeries and over 70 days in the hospital. God spared her life – which in itself was a HUGE miracle.
She came home with her intestines on the outside of her body – which I had to clean several times daily. She was on a feeding tube and required much care. These 2 girls who came to my home everyday – were very much like my own. They were like sisters to my own kids. Throughout Kyla’s childhood, she endured much pain and many trips to the hospital. She did have good times as well. She was a big ball of giggles and sunshine all wrapped up in one. She never met a stranger and even then, she would talk to them. I got to enjoy her giggles every day until she started school, then I had her in the summers and when she was home sick from school.
I often traveled with my sister, Theresa, on hospital visits so that Kyla’s dad Jeffery could stay with Hayley. We would joke that I was Kyla’s 2nd mama. In the hospital when her mom was talking to doctors, I would hold her. When she started feeling better, we would take walks around the floor of the hospital and play games to pass the time. The last 4 months of her life was filled with pain and suffering. The amount of medicines she was given at 9 months old had destroyed her liver. Her lungs were diseased and failing also. I was getting ready to start the process of donating part of my liver to her. It was in those times that I began to question why God would allow one of his beloved children to suffer. I began to question the scriptures that talk about asking and receiving, having faith to move a mountain, etc. We were praying believing with faith, but God had a different plan. I didn’t like his plan, not one bit. It was then that I thought I knew more than God. I had forgotten that God loved Kyla more than I could even imagine. She had suffered enough and was going to live with him. She was not flesh of my flesh, but she was heart of my heart. She was one of my own.
She was 8 years old when she died. It was the worst day of my life. Not so much the death – that was kind of a release of Kyla into a life better, a life without pain and suffering. It was the death, but it was also so much more. Haley had been living with us for weeks while Kyla was in Pittsburgh. We kind of adopted her for a while. That morning I got a call from Theresa, telling me that this would probably be the day she would die. I got the kids up and off to school. I came back home, prayed and waited. I tried to decide should I fly up there or stay home. I decided to stay and wait. Around 11 am it started to snow, in October – it was snowing. They weren’t just flurries; it was huge flakes coming down. At that point, I knew she had died. It was if these were angel tears falling from heaven, not tears of sorrow, but tears of joy because beloved Kyla had come home. She got her new body, new lungs, and new liver.
I finally got the call that right about the same time it began to snow, she had breathed her last breath. My heart broke into. The hard part was ahead. I had to drive to Rosman Elementary, find Haley, her sister who was in the 5th grade and tell her that her one and only sister, the one she has loved and played with since birth had died. I held her as she shook and screamed, No! No!, N0! I held her as her body shook with sobs. I held her as both our worlds crumbled. I could not make it better. I didn’t have a way or the words to make it better. I had never felt so helpless or weak.
The weeks and months that followed were hard – but almost better, no hospital, no continued worry, no watching her body in pain. I clung to God and he was my strength. Psalm 119:28 says: “I collapse from grief. Sustain me by your word.” And he did. As the days went on, the numbness subsided and forever without her began to become a reality. How do you move forward without her? How do we keep on living joyfully without her? I began to retreat inward. I do that often, especially when I am overwhelmed. I pulled away from friends, family, everyone. I hid – inside my own skin. It began to get dark.
At this same time I realized that a friendship – one that had sustained me for so long – was over. It had been over for quite some time, and other meaningful relationships had taken its place. But at this time, the reality of this separation was fully realized. It was like a divorce, grief, hurt, rejection, and loss. Several months later, I had to return to work for financial reasons. I wanted to be a stay at home mom. All these things sent my life into a tailspin. This was not the way my life was supposed to turn out. I didn’t sign up for this.
A period of days of darkness followed. I don’t know if any of you have experienced depression before, but this was the first of many dark times within the past 2 years. A darkness settled on my soul that I couldn’t lift. I would look around and think, why am I so sad still? The self induced isolation continued – for weeks/months. During this time, I would have glimpses of hope. I had great friends who would check on me and encourage me.
I had lost my trust in God – that he had the best plan for me, that he would use everything for my good. I was mad that he didn’t answer my prayers the way I wanted and he wasn’t following my plan. I began to question the value in prayer, why pray if God was going to do what he wanted anyway? I believed that God could do anything, including rescue me from my darkness, I just didn’t believe he would. I let my darkness, seep into my soul. I still went to church, still read my Bible, still read books about heaven and God, but I was becoming numb to God himself. Was a relationship with him really worth all this? I walked away from God, but not religion. I became my own god, finding my own way. You talk about miserable. Without God, I started to look for other ways to find joy, my value, my purpose.
In the months that followed, God continued to woo me and speak softly to me. I had times of seeking him, but still times of darkness and sadness. I began reading Pete Wilson’s book Plan B. He wrote this book about what happens when your life doesn’t turn out the way you planned? About when your dreams shatter – Is God here and does he care. Everyone has shattered dreams. Everyone has been let down and needs healing for our brokenness. He explores why God allows suffering and pain. He says: “Your dreams may not be happening and things aren’t turning out as you expected, but that doesn’t mean your life is spinning out of control, it just means that you are not in control.” He asked many questions that started my journey back to God. He asked: “Is it possible that you don’t really want God – you want what you think God can give you?” Sometimes we want our dreams more that we want God. We want what God does, instead of Him. I had to confess, that was me.
He also talks about the frustration with a Christianity that can fit on a bracelet, t-shirt, or bumper sticker. You know the kind that has everything figured out. Sometimes Christians have more questions than answers. Even though we know God is with us, sometimes we feel utterly alone. Even though we believe, we doubt. Even though we suspect God knows what he is doing, we really don’t want to do this his way. In John 16:33 “I have told you these things so that in me you may have peace. In the world you have trouble and suffering, but take courage – I have conquered the world.” There is a paradox that there is a God who is big and powerful and loves us, but we live in a world that seems to be falling apart. Jesus says, I have defeated the world. The cross is the only reason we still have hope. There is no limit to what God will do to draw us to himself. God really does love us more than we can imagine.
I was scheduled to go to Thailand on a mission trip 5 days after Kyla died – which I cancelled. The next year I went and last year I went again. These were times of finally feeling alive again, hearing God speak, being connected to him again. I wanted to move to Thailand. I wanted to feel this all of the time. I thought it was Thailand that I missed so much when I came home, but it was God. I had found Him again in Thailand, but I had left him there too. Both times when I returned, the darkness settled in again. I had times of darkness deeper than I had ever experienced. I thought about running away and starting over. I thought about a life without kids, husband, and responsibilities. I thought about heaven, and wanted out. I would wake up day after day hating my own skin. How do you go on when the sadness is suffocating, overwhelming? I knew I needed to talk about this with someone, or I would never escape its hold. I felt I was stuck in a deep pit. I still had hope from Psalm 145:14 “The Lord supports all who fall, and lifts up all who are bent over.” Psalm 103:4 says: "He is the one that delivers your life from the pit”.
I began to share some with Jim. Some of my feelings, not all cause he would just freak out and have me committed, but a little at a time. I started to pray again, at times. I could hear him speak, and feel his presence again.
Theresa had a miscarriage the year after Kyla died. Months later we found out that she was expecting again. 2 days after this past Christmas, Brinley was born. 2 weeks later we found out that she also has cystic fibrosis. I just called to check on her and Haley answered the phone. She said that Veresa was there telling her mom that Brinley had CF. Haley was crying, and once again I felt helpless. I couldn’t make it better this time either. This brought back all of the hard painful memories of Kyla’s sickness and death. I cried, cried, and cried. Not that we didn’t know this was a possibility, but I couldn’t believe God would do this again. We had prayed and prayed. How could I explain to Luke that even though we prayed every night for 9 months for Brinley to be born without CF, God’s plan was different. I can remember Korinne saying once that she wished Adam and Eve had never sinned. I agreed and asked her why. She said cause then no sickness would be in the world and people wouldn’t get CF and die. I was so mad at God. I went to bed and woke up with this thought: I may be mad and hurt, and sad, but I don’t have anyone besides you. Who do I have but you? Bad things are going to happen to all of us, with or without God. I’d rather go through them with him than alone.
What I’ve learned from my wrestling:
• I could never fully value God’s love and grace until I realized that I didn’t deserve it. I deserved the complete opposite.
• I would never believe that God would never leave me or forsake me, until I forsook him.
My Judgment:
I have always struggled with self esteem and identity issues for as far back as I can remember. My abuse left a warped view of myself. I was always trying to measure up to the “normal” I saw around me, but somehow never felt enough. In trying to make myself feel better about living in my own skin, I began comparing myself to others. This has led to a habit of having a judgmental attitude of others. In the church, I often would look around at people that I felt “weren’t living right” and begin to judge them. I would find myself thinking: “How can they stand here and praise God, lifting up their hands, when they are so dirty. I thought they were such hypocrites. I would think about their sins and yet their apparent lack of conviction, and it would make me justified in my own sin in a warped kind of way.
If you made a list of the top 10 worst sins of today, what would make the list? Murder? Stealing? Adultery? Gluttony? Pete Wilson says: “we all have an unpublished list on our hearts of people we think we are better than. For the most part our list of sins generally don’t involve the ones with which we personally struggle. We point our fingers at some sins while overlooking others.”
• “It’s ok to be prideful and look down on others, but it’s not ok to choose a gay lifestyle.”
• “It’s ok to be greedy while there are poor living next door, but it’s not ok to have an abortion.”
• “It’s ok to have sex with your boyfriend of 5 years, but you better not cheat on your husband.”
• It’s ok to be unloving to jerks, but you’d better not drink alcohol (well at least not in public)”
These lists of selective sins, pride, and judgments are destructive to our spiritual growth and keep us from an authentic community. In recent days, I have found myself as one of those – those sinful people, standing in church on Sundays. One of those who have consistently made poor choices with my words, attitudes, and actions. I have recently been one of those lifting dirty hands toward heaven – begging for healing, restoration, cleansing, and deliverance. I now see those same people I used to judge in a different light. I care less about the judgments of others. I confess my brokenness, judgmental attitude, pride, selfishness, flesh living, and I also confess my complete need of God. My weaknesses are great, and my mistakes greater. Living by the spirit is a choice, just like living in the flesh. I’ve chosen the flesh for way too long. I’m in the process of finding my way back.
In her book, 1,000 gifts, Ann Voskamp speaks of the type of healing and restoration that is possible for someone like me. God has been using this book to begin changing my perspective and spiritual life. Ann wrote this book based on a dare that a friend had given her to find 1,000 things for which she was thankful. Though this experience, her life was transformed from one of self-hate and defeat to one of joy abundant and overflowing.
I want to share a little of her story and quotes with you and how she spoke directly from God to my soul. When she was little, her sister was run over and killed in the driveway of her childhood home as she watched. She speaks of the pain that a family can experience resulting from the death of a child. She says: “From my own beginning, my sister’s death tears a hole in the canvas of the world. Losses do that. One life-loss can infect the whole of life. Like a rash that wears through our days, our sight becomes peppered with black voids. Now everywhere we look, we only see all that isn’t holes, lack, deficiency.” Tears streamed down my face as I read the words that described my darkness. She wrote: “I awake to the discontent of my life in my skin. I wake to self-hatred. To the wrestle to get is all done, the relentless anxiety that I am failing – I live tired, afraid, anxious, weary – will I ever be enough, find enough, do enough? Will I ever live fully – or just empty? I am a woman who speaks but one language, the language of the fall, discontentment, and self condemnation.”
She goes on to say: “once a week on Sunday, my soul’s macular holes spontaneously heal. In that church with the wooden cross nailed to the wall facing the country road, there God seems obvious. But the rest of the week, the days I live in the glaring harshness of an abrasive world. Complete loss of central vision. Everywhere, a world pocked with scarcity.” God means to heal our soul holes that have developed. She says: “God wants to return us to our full glory, since we took a bite of that fruit, it tore into our souls – that drain hole, where joy seeps away. God wants to full us again, with glory and grace.” She changed my perspective when she said: “I wonder too . . . if the rent in the canvas of our life backdrop, the losses that puncture our world, our own emptiness, might actually become places to see. To see through God. That which tears open our soul, those holes that splatter our sight, may actually become the thin, open places to see through the mess of this place to the heart-aching beauty beyond. To Him. To the God whom we endlessly crave.”
She reminded me that : “Jesus – the God man who came to save me, came to save me from prisons of fear, guilt, depression, and sadness.” Her healing came through the deliberate act of giving thanks, daily. She speaks about eucharisteo, giving thanks by Jesus at the last supper, and challenged me to live a life of eucharisteo. She believes the depth of our joy is dependent on the depth of our thankfulness. She reminds me that without God’s word my view of the world warps. You really need to read this book, a book that will most definitely change your perspective.
My Wandering and Prosperity Religion
I didn’t walk away from God all at once, it was a gradual wandering. I somewhere along the way got my theology all mixed up.
• God will never give you more than you can handle
Really? Where did you find that in the bible? It has been my experience that throughout life you will face one situation after another that will be completely beyond what you can handle. It is only when we come to the end of ourselves that we have to rely on God. Believe me, if I could do it on my own, I would. It is my weakness and daily struggles that remind me that I must rely on his strength, not my own.
• That if I work really hard to be a “good” Christian, and follow God – then I will be blessed with more good than bad
That sounds a lot like prosperity religion to me. When did I start believing the lie that if I follow God, then my life will be problem free. Well maybe I didn’t believe that, but if I go to church, tithe, pray, read my bible, love God, treat others with kindness, work hard, only speak good and encouraging words, be faithful to my husband, don’t gossip, serve in the nursery, dress modestly, be a good steward of my money, then I somehow deserve God’s blessing. Don’t get me wrong, these are good and commanded. These are biblical principles that show us the way to a full life. But why do we do them? Because we should? If I don’t God will punish me? Because I’m trying to earn God’s favor, or pay him back for his grace? It is all a matter of motives: trying to be a good Christian or seeking after God, himself. If I do all of these things without God, without seeking him first, it is just empty religion. It is simply a system of do’s and don’ts to justify our behavior and make us feel valued and worthy. It is working to earn God’s favor and blessing. If this is your focus, the focus is on you, your efforts, your control, your choices. You haven’t really abandoned it all. You are just making it look like you have.
What if all you had was God, would that be enough? I confess that many times, I want God’s blessing more than I want him. Think about it deep down, do I want him more, or what he can do for me? Is he enough? Really, just him?
• Him + a husband
• Him + healthy kids
• Him + financial security
• Him + a fit/healthy body
• Him + a fulfilling job
• Him + a big house & 2 cars
• Him + a ministry
• Him + the praise of others
• Him + the recognition as a biblical scholar
• Just him?
He may give you all of these things as well, but what if he doesn’t. Is he still enough? Is he still good? Can we still trust him? I can tell you this I have learned, that without him, nothing is enough. Without him, I cannot be content even with everything else. John Piper says: “That God is most glorified in us when we are most satisfied in him, in the midst of loss, not necessarily prosperity.”
Parting Thoughts – When you walk away from God – can you find your way back? Yes
• Stop running/turn around – he is still here, he never left
• Fix your eyes on Jesus – my focus changes from me to him
• Give up trying to play God and control things – I can trust him. I don’t get better by trying harder, I get better by abandoning and surrender
• Let him woo you – his love is unchanging, unfailing, incomparable, and enough
• Be thankful – choose to see his grace
• Trust that he is enough – because he is
• Share authentically – we have this misconception that after we become Christians that we must pretend that we have it all together. Find authentic community, many times God’s presence can come as a byproduct of people’s presence
I have daily struggles, some days it is still really hard. Now I have more days where God is enough. It is a choice, daily. I must choose Him. I don’t want just enough of God to shine up my exterior. I want Him so completely that it starts on the inside and overflows to those around me. He loves us, completely.
Psalm 139: 1-18 – The Message
God investigate my life; get all the facts firsthand. I’m an open book to you; even from a distance, you know what I’m thinking. You know when I leave and when I get back; I’m never out of your sight. You know everything I’m going to say before I start the first sentence. I look behind me and you’re there, then up ahead and you’re there, too ---your reassuring presence, coming and going. This is too much, too wonderful – I can’t take it all in! Is there any place I can go to avoid your spirit? To be out of your sight? If I climb to the sky, you’re there! If I go underground, you’re there. If I flew on the morning’s wings to the far western horizon, you’d find me in a minute –you’re already there waiting! Then I said to myself, “Oh, he even sees me in the dark! At night I’m immersed in the light.” It’s a fact; darkness isn’t dark to you; night and day, darkness and light, they’re all the same to you. Oh yes, you shaped me first inside, and then out; you formed me in my mother’s womb. I thank you, High God – you’re breathtaking! Body and soul, I am marvelously made! I worship in adoration – what a creation! You know me inside and out, you know ever bone in my body; you know exactly how I was made, bit by bit, how I was sculpted from nothing into something. Like an open book, you watched me grow from conception to birth, all the stages of my life were spread out before you, the days of my life all prepared before I’d even lived one day. Your thoughts – how rare, how beautiful! God, I’ll never comprehend them. I couldn’t even begin to count them – anymore than I could count the sand of the sea. Oh, let me rise in the morning and live always with you!
