Who am I?
If I posed this question around the room there could be hundreds of answers.
As a child I identified myself as Bill and Carolyn’s daughter; or
Carroll and Katie Lee’s granddaughter. On rare events, I might have said I was Roger or Teresa’s sister.
As I got a little older I might have responded: “I am a graduate of East Henderson High School or “I’m a junior at WCU.” Sometimes it’s funny how we identify ourselves.
When I had my sweet baby, I became forever more known as Holly’s mom. No matter where I went, that’s what I was, and still am, called. Many days of the week I hear: “Hi, Holly’s Mom!” yelled across campus or out of car windows.
But I most significant person I ever was, was Chris’ wife.
I loved him more than anything or anyone. I loved being Chris’ wife. We were just right for each other.
He was outgoing; I was not.
He loved to talk, so I didn’t have to.
He made friends easily; I did not and I still don’t.
My Christopher was an incredible person, kind, and gentle, compassionate, Christ-like in so many ways.
I relied on him for everything. He wasn’t just my husband; he was my best friend. I trusted in him. He was my security, both physically and financially; he was the spiritual leader of our family. He was my hope, my future.
We loved to just spend time together. We did practically everything together. And it worked. Like the t-shirt says, LIFE WAS GOOD!
When Chris started talking about going to the Holy Land it didn’t take long for all of us to be excited about it. We prayed a lot about it, saved our pennies, and on March 24, 2008 Chris, Holly, and I embarked on the journey that Chris PROMISED would change our lives forever!
Looking back, I realize that God allowed us that very special time as a family to experience the wonders of the Holy Land together. For that I am very thankful. We walked where Jesus had walked. Chris and Bonnie led us singing “In the Garden” IN the Garden of Gethsemane. We were all baptized in the Jordan River. We rode a boat on the beautiful Sea of Galilee, where Jesus walked on the water. We hiked up Ein Geti and we floated in the Dead Sea.
It was our last night in Israel at the Dead Sea that my life would change forever. That’s the night the Lord called Chris home.
And my whole world was ripped apart.
I lost my husband.
I lost my best friend, my confidant, my security, and my hopes.
I lost my present and I lost my future.
As far as I was concerned, my life might as well have been over. I can’t even describe that kind of loss. It’s impossible to imagine the fear I felt, the insecurities, the hope I lost. We were supposed to grow old together, now I would grow old alone.
It’s interesting the thousands of thoughts that can go through your head in a matter of seconds. For me, it was things like:
He wouldn’t be here when Holly celebrated her 16th birthday and got her driver’s license. More importantly, he wouldn’t be here to teach Holly how to drive. (And let me tell you that was a traumatic time for me!)
He wouldn’t be there when she graduated high school.
My girl wouldn’t have her daddy to walk her down the aisle at her wedding.
He wouldn’t be there to hold our grandchildren.
And of course, knowing that I would wake up the next day and the next day, and all the rest of my days and he wouldn’t be there. What was I going to do without him?
He was everything to me.
But as I stood in that room overlooking the Dead Sea, seeing my beloved Christopher’s body covered with a sheet, the Lord just lifted me up. He filled me with a peace that I still cannot understand. I’d like to think it’s just my practical side, but I know that’s not true.
I knew Chris was gone. God had picked that moment in time to take him home...from walking in his Savior’s footsteps, to walking with his Savior. Later I found Chris had written in his bible ‘God has scripted my life’ – how can you argue with that?
One of our favorite places in Israel was the Sea of Galilee. When our bus rounded the curve and we caught that first glimpse of the Sea, it was overwhelming.
In Matthew 14 when the disciples were caught in the storm on the Sea of Galilee, Jesus said, “Take courage. I am here!” Moments later Peter took that step over the side of the boat. Peter stepped out in faith and actually walked on water...until he stopped focusing on Christ and instead turned his attention to the strong winds and high waves. Then he began to sink! But look what happened next: Peter cried out, “Save me, Lord!” and immediately Jesus reached out to him.
I read recently that you only develop deep water faith when you’re willing to leave security and predictability and step out in faith with Jesus – like Peter did. God shakes everything up by asking you to step out in faith, allowing you to face waves that are over your head. He does this for a reason: to increase your dependence on Him.
Well I had depended on Chris for over 15 years, now it was time for me to depend on God alone. If Chris were still here, would I be as dependent on God as I am now? I’m ashamed to say the answer is NO.
Over the last three years, I have found that I relate well to that story of Peter. I think it might have been Pastor Greg Laurie that said, “It is in storms that He does His finest work, for it is in storms that he has our keenest attention.”
Well, God has my keen attention. He turned my world upside-down. I could have pushed Him away or blamed Him; Instead I have chosen to depend on Him. And let me tell you, He has NEVER let me down. There have been plenty of people who have let me down. I have let myself down. I know that I have let God down. But He has never once let me down.
My relationship with Christ isn’t perfect but it’s closer than it’s ever been. And that’s because I choose every day to give it all to Him: my life, my daughter, our health and safety, my finances. It’s all His anyway.
Now if you’re thinking I’ve got it all together, that’s certainly not true. I struggle every day. I still cry every day. Some struggles are the same as they have always been, but I have lots of new struggles too. Being a single parent was something I never gave thought to, because I never expected to be one. When Chris and I married it was for forever. But our forever didn’t last as long as we had planned.
Being a single parent is hard! No one loves my girl like I do. No one loves her like her daddy did. So it’s challenging to make the dreams we had for her come true. That’s not to say that I don’t have lots of help. I don’t know what I would do without Annette (Chris’ mom), my parents, Edie and Allen and some other friends and family. But it’s just not the same.
Believe it or not I worry I get anxious and worry about the business, my finances, I worry about Holly A LOT. I worry about the future, I fret over the thought of being lonely and growing old alone.
And when I get overwhelmed, that’s when I realize that, like Peter, I have taken my eyes off my Savior. That’s when I feel the winds blow and I see the waves reaching over my head, and I begin to sink. That’s when I have fall on my face and call out, “Save me, Lord!” And every time He reaches out to me, just like He did Peter.
I’m so glad that His faithful love never ends and that His mercies never cease! Because the Lord IS my inheritance and I will hope in Him.
So I return to my original question. Who am I?
I am the daughter of the King!
Christ is my husband; He’s my best friend, my confidant.
He’s my security and my hope.
He’s my present and my future.
He is everything to me.
Romans 8:17 says, “And since we are his children, we are His heirs. In fact, together with Christ we are heirs of God’s glory. But if we are to share His glory, we must also share His suffering.”
I have come to understand that He knows what He’s doing. My suffering will be used for His glory. I just have to let Him use me, and rest in the knowledge that God has scripted my life.
